iThink about iPad

That's a big fucking iPhone

 Alright.  Soooo I've been kinda got caught up in the hype of the new Apple iPad.  Yeah yeah, it's apple blah blah SHADDAP.  I'd go over the specifics of it, but there's like... A BILLION SITES OUT THERE(Alright there's millions... FOR NOW.) that ran coverage of the event as well as apple has their own page for it now.  So we're gonna do this Holynub style.

Dear Internet

Some things need to be pointed out about the iPad.  While nice as it is, I can definitely see that it is not meant for everyone.  And critics have issues with this.  But lets be real here.  Not everything that is released is designed for everyone.  While engineers and developers try to maximize the marketability of products, it is not a one size fits all.  This device was meant to target as wide an audience as it could and too bad if you're not part of it.  Don't go flaming Apple because they didn't make it the way you wanted it.  In fact, fuck you.  You don't like it, do something about it.  If you are, then lets see it.  You lazy fuck.

Hello starbucks?  It's Steve again.  Soy Latte, so I don't get dairy farts.

 

Now that all the designers have kissed my ass, time for me to bash it a bit.  The iPad is basically a big ass iPhone.  Well... I take that back.  It's a big ass iTouch.  It COULD be a big ass iPhone if they add support for a headset and microphone.  Maybe they'll put in an internal mic.  Then you can hold it up to your face and scream at your computer.  "HALLO!?  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!?  YEAH I'M ON MY IPAD.  I'M OBNOXIOUS AND COULDN'T CARE THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE LISTENING TO MY CONVERSATION!"  Now that Apple is allowing for VoIP phone clients on their app store, the iPad could easily get an application that allows for basic phone calling.  Actually, it probably can just use the ones that are out on the iTunes app store. 

Coincidently, this building in Dubai is also named "iPad"

Which brings me to the next little quirp.  Sooooooooooooooo the software for the iPad.  You can't install traditional software on it.  Nope.  None of that sir.  Not because there's no optical drive and what not.  It's because the mother fucker just doesn't support it.  You NEED to download the apps from their iTunes store.  No other options.  WELLL give it some time.  I'm sure George Hotz(iPhone Jailbreaker dude) is gonna take a shot at this after he's done with the PS3. But till then, all software must go through Apple.  If you would like to skip this gigantic App Store rant, scroll down till you see *****

All your software are belong to us

Now 96% of the population has no problem with that.  OH YOU POOR SHEEP.  Erhm.  Sorry, that's the open source programmer in me getting out there.  This really grinds the gears of Open Source developers and anti-DRM(Digital Restriction Managment) groups.  In some aspects, they're like hippies for computers, what with all the "Free software for all, mannnnn."  Apple has drawn a lot of criticism from these groups since the launch of the App store.  There are actually thousands of apps that are rejected from the app store.  There are many reasons an app won't be accepted, but generally it's because the app doesn't fall within Apple's "image." 

Hey!  I am too!

Most people don't know the process of how an app is born.  It's a lot like what you learned in health class, but with more people getting fucked.  A programmer(or group of) must spend many hours of toiling with his/her great idea.  Then after some testing and debugging they must submit the app to Apple's app store.  The app isn't published immediately though.  First it must be screened and scrutinized by moderators(moder-hatorz, am i rite?!  Man that was lame).  These moderators must deem the app "worthy" of being added to the app store.  SO, you can spend weeks/months/years of slamming your head against the wall to make an app for fart noises, only to have the overlords at Apple say NO.  I'm taking this line from PC World.com.  "iPhone App Rejected?  There's a site for that." 

Back in my day, this was the "good" computer in the lab

*****What is the cost of this fancy shmancy ding dong?  About $500 for the no frills model.  For all that it does...  I'm kinda OK with that.  Granted in about a year or two it'll be down to like $300 or something stupid like that.  But I can see that as a plus.  If you consider it's web browsing and ebook reader capabilities, I can see this doing well in schools if done properly.  Yes, there's a lot of human factors that can fuck this up.  Billy spilled glue all over his iPad, Russel's downloading hello kitty porn again, Katie's mom sold her iPad for crack.  Dumb people aside, it would be kinda cool seeing something like the iPad being a mandatory piece of equipment in schools.  It would remind me of all those kick ass future school things you see in teh movies.  All your textbooks could be put in the reader, so you can give the book store the finger.  However, this is just an ideal.  But not that bad of one.  It just needs to be done right.  Please stupid people, don't fuck this one up.

I get the turning.  How the fuck do you hit the gas and breaks?  Shifting lawl?

BUT HOLY! WTF DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH VIDYA GAEMS!?  Alright alright.  Main reason this blog exists is for games.  Well, during the announcement, it looked like Apple is really trying to reach out to gamers for this platform.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.  Yes, the App store generates tons of fucking money so you can play bejeweled on your phone.  They were showing off a better looking car racing sim and yada yada.  Will this be a serious platform for gaming?  Probably not.  Will it still make a lot of money with stupid tap tap fucking games?  Maybe not as much as the iPhone apps, but there could be a market for it.  Lets step back and look at the games for the iPhone/iTouch.  They are all very simplistic in comparison to DS or PSP games.  BUT!  That's why they work.  When do people play these games?  Waiting for bus, riding on plane/train/automobile, during conference calls, at a friends wedding, at your wedding, basically anytime you're bored to all living hell.  Because it's on your phone, it's convenient.  You're always have your phone on you.  No extra gadgets to carry.  Just whip it out and play.  Maybe show it to the lady sitting next to you.  Maybe she'll play with it too.  Wait... What am I talking about again?   O Rite.  I don't forsee anyone just using their iPad in just random situations to play games.  Just not convenient enough.  Granted, there are some douchebags that will.  The "Hey check me out!  I am hip!" kind of people. 

Found this on the interwebs.  XBOX Rival?  Ehhh ehh? Just mull on it a bit Apple.  Just a bit.

However, there is an instance in which i can see this working for games.  The solution is simple, put World of Warcraft on it.  What?  Fuck yeah I'm biased.  But just think about it.  Play World of Warcraft with a touchscreen...  Maybe use finger gestures for casting spells.  Scourge Strike could be just giving people the finger.  3G or WiFi connection.  Play anywhere basically.  Yeah, it's not optimal for raiding, but you could just dick around in the AH.  Maybe even grind up an alt or something.  Hey, the interwebs have been thinking about it for a while.  Yes, i do understand it would be a lot of fucking work.  But, it could be a cool concept.  Alright alright.  Maybe not JUST World of Warcraft.  Still, if someone were to make a super addictive, interactive, and just all around godly game for the iPad, then I think there will be a good chance to see this becoming a legitimate gaming platform.  That's all it takes really.  Just one REALLY GOOD FUCKING GAME.  So good, that i must write it in all caps.  That's how good it must be. 

What everyone thought it was

Well Apple, let us see what will happen.  Will it be a major success?  Or will it go the way of the super thin shitty laptop you guys made?  Or maybe any of these other 8 crappy products that lost you ass tons of money?  Maybe society will realize how awesome it is and it becomes a staple in electronics, like the ipod.  Who knows.  Maybe 20 years from now, I will look back on this article and either shake my head because i'm stupid as fuck and I currently own the iPad 20GXPFNSTFU running Mac OSXX Thundercats HOOOO, or I will laugh my ass off because it was a piece of shit that put Apple out of business.  Not sure which of those options is better.

10 Reasons Dragon Age Is Better Than Real Life™

1: No matter how much you suck in real life, in Dragon Age you're a bad ass.



Before you even begin the game you get to choose your life in Dragon Age. At the very first click you're transported into an ideal fantasy background where you can be Snigglesnork, the well to do son of a noble man who was trained to be an expert archer. Then tragedy strikes as a power hungry asshole murders everything you love within a 10 mile radius leaving you to suck and die elsewhere. But even tragedy does not stop you from being awesome since you end up drinking the blood of your enemies, gaining their power and thus commencing a legendary tale of ass kickery. This is the exact opposite of the real world where you most likely are the son of a guy named Bill who works in textiles. Your family is happily living since you have no mortal enemies. Since you aren't pushed to achieve anything you end up living in the basement which you rent for a nominal fee that basically covers the amount of mountain dew you drink and the snack packs that you consume. Since drinking blood would probably give you AIDs you never embark on any sort of adventure that would be anywhere remotely kick ass.

2: You can run around for hours on end without ever eating, drinking, or anything.

Let's face it. No matter how much you wish you could run a marathon you're far too fat and lazy to even walk out the door to get in your car just so you can buy some running shoes that will collect dust in your closet. In a world of dragons and magic you can just run. Run across open plains. Run up and down frosted peaks. Run towards danger. Run from danger. Run to forest. Run through the forest. You feel as if you were some amazing running machine. A bionic man of sorts and no matter how far you run or how hard you fight you will never ever need to eat, rest or drink a glass of water. Consequently this also means that you will never have to use the bathroom. This is proven not only by the fact that you never ingest anything but there are also no bathrooms in all of Dragon Age Origins. Seriously. Not a single castle, house, inn, shack or open field has anything remotely close to a crapper. Even the dwarves who allegedly drink ale (Though I have never seen anyone drink anything inside of Tapsters) have absolutely nowhere to take a tinkle.


I mean, seriously. That's awesome. I wish I never had to crap.

3: Everyone can say blasphemous things without going to hell.

Jesus Christ! Er I mean Maker's Breath! Or rather... Andraste's retarded cousin! Everyone in Dragon Age says blasphemous things without any manner of impunity. It seems that there is no rule that says you can't say the maker's name in vain. Or even his mortal lover. Wait...What is he Zeus? Is the maker a guy? I didn't read that deep into the lore. Holy shit I can't remember. Well, as far as I can tell, there is no hell in Dragon Age either. I've killed people in front of the Chantry for absolutely no reason and they never hinted that I might burn in righteous hell fire for what I had done. I suppose the truth is that they can say these things simply because no one in Dragon Age actually dies. Even when you kill Loghain for being an all around jack ass he still comes back in the other games. Hell he can even live in the end if you feel like being merciful. In real life, you do go to hell though. Sorry kids, it does exist. I call it New Orleans.

4: Even if you suck at everything you try to do you can just dial it down to "Casual".

Sometimes when you try real hard at things in real life and you fail completely it is really demoralizing. It even pushes some people to drastic measures such as suicide or even worse, settling for that girl you met on the internet. This sort of problem never happens in Dragon Age. Say you get your ass kicked by on of those Revnants, just load that last save (since you can never truly die) and try it all over on casual. Or if you're aware that you completely suck then you can dial it down before you spit on the grave stone to piss the guy off. Nothing is beyond your grasp when you just make it easier. Want all the best results with none of the effort? Of course you do! Right next to modding the crap out of the game this is the best way to cheat and get ahead of everything. Here's the general idea of how it works:

Difficulty	Friendly Fire (PC)	Friendly Fire (PS3 XBOX)	Flat Attack Bonus	Flat Defense Bonus	Flat Damage Bonus	Healing Effects Multiplier	Damage Threshold	Enemy Resist Bonus	Player Resist Bonus	Potion Cap	Trap Damage Multiplier	Comments
Casual	None	None	20	20	5	1.5	3	-10%	10%	20	0.5	Easy AI
Normal	50%	None	0	0	0	1	7	1.5%	0%	12	1.0	Moderate AI
Hardcore	100%	50%	0	0	0	0.85	9	2.5%	0%	8	1.25	Full AI
Nightmare	100%	100%	0	0	0	0.85	16	5%	0%	0	1.50	Full AI

In real life the chart reads more like this:

Difficulty	Friendly Fire (Shotgun)	Friendly Fire (Grenade)	Your Ability To Fight	Chance To Fail	Flat Damage Bonus	Odds of Finding Love						Comments
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	5	1/1000000						Why God?
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						WHY?!
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						DAMN YOU WHY?!
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						I give up.

5: No matter how much of an asshole you are to your friends you can always buy them back.

The best part about Dragon Age is that you get to have relationships with your comrades. The idea is that depending on what you do their attitude towards you will change. This is a great mechanic in theory if it weren't for the gift giving system in the game. Did you sacrifice Alistar's foster father's wife in order to save their son from a demon that you ended up bargaining with by giving up the kid in order to gain blood magic powers? Did this piss Alistar off? NEVER FEAR! Gifts are here! just reach into your magic bag of carrying crap loads of heavy ass armor and pull out a...statue!

(Yes that is the Statue of Liberty attacking the sky with lightning bolt)

Yes, a statue will make all of that murder and dealing with demons go away. Alistar will love you again! Unfortunately when I ran over my neighbors cat giving him a taco didn't seem to make him like me more. I assumed since he was a mexican that he would like tacos as a gift. Apparently that was an incorrect assumption. Once again real life fails to be as awesome as Dragon Age because you can get away with murder in Dragon Age if you have enough statues, but all of the tacos in the world wont make up for a 50 year old cat that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

6: Murder is often the best and only solution to any crisis.

There are few instances in real life where you can just murder your way out of the situation. The only ones I can really think of are in bank robberies and screenings of Pokemon movies. However those usually end with an electric chair. Dragon Age is truly wonderful because of the very fact that you almost always get the option of (kill him) in a tight situation. Guards snooping around? Kill them. Children being annoying? Kill them. Elves being all stupid an elven? Kill them too. If there's an obstacle in your way just murder the crap out of it. Whether it be a wall, spiders, or a wall of spider they can all just be killed with your knife. Hell, there are more consequences in the game if you refuse to kill someone. You might very well see the following message if you fail to kill even one helpless bunny:


Sometimes a man just has to kill in order to get the love, or at least the relative like of the evil witch he travels with. After all, if you kill all the right people eventually someone will sleep with you. This unfortunately will never ever work in real life. Trust me.

7: There is no such thing as "moral relativism".

Some people might ask, well what the hell is moral relativism? To put it simply it means that morality is considered to be a subjective thing. There is no such thing as an absolute moral truth according to moral relativism. This is the sort of mental retardation that makes it ok to trivialize immoral activity by simply stating that in that person's magical world it's ok even though most people would consider it wrong. This is something dreamed up by stupid hippies that don't want to take responsiblity for their actions. But I digress, in Dragon Age there is nothing but absolute moral truth. Murder is considered evil by the good characters. Helping people is considered right. Saving is good. Not pouring blood in the ashes of a god's dead wife is good. Not using an anvil the forge an army of golems by stealing the souls of dwarves is also good. Bad things make good people dislike you. Good things make bad people dislike you. Either way, good or bad you'll never fucking win with everyone. So you can choose to be either A) An evil manipulative asshole. or B) A goodie little two shoes. There is no real grey area on this. Unless you have plenty of presents for everyone. When you think about it though Dragon Age shows you that there really is only one absolute moral truth which is that presents are good.


I have no idea who's kid that is. But that kid sure does look happy with all those presents. Awesome.


8: Everyone is simply good looking.

Case in point:

LOOK! That's supposed to be a freaking wolf spirit that creates werewolves and she is damn pretty. I can't say more than that.

I mean in real life you get people who look like this:


Fucking hobos...


9: Everyone wants to have sex with you.


Every freaking character in your party wants to sleep with you at some point in this game. You barely have to be nice to them and they'll start hitting on you. If they're not hitting on you then they are most likely hitting on someone else. You will have so many people trying to get into your pants you'll find yourself agreeing to almost everyone out of some sick morbid curiosity. This is nothing like the real world where unless you're either a) good looking b) rich or c) capable of getting loose women really drunk really fast then you're shit out of luck. It's not even that they just simply sleep with you in Dragon Age. They literally fall in love with you just for giving them a gold necklace or killing their mother. It doesn't take much to get these people in the sack. It is almost is too easy. Or is it? Actually you do put a few hours into it just for a cut scene that isn't even graphic. You know, real life might actually win here since it's worth the effort in the end. Especially if you end up with someone you love.

Wait nevermind. Tha game is better because there are no STDs making the sex with all the good looking people consequence free. Another win for Dragon Age.

10: In Dragon Age no one knows how lonely you really are.

Somebody hug me. :(

Holynub Report: We smite so HAWD!

WHAT IS THIS!?  MORE WRITERS!  Yes, I'm being a lazy ass and getting more slaves to write shit for me.  ALTHOUGH I HAVENT SEEN MUCH *cough cough*.  But anyyyywayyyyy, I have someone here.  Someone WIT POWAH.  TEH POWAH TO SMITE.  WE SMITE TOO HAWD!  OHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  >.>  Yeah it's Wier.  I think this brings our total blog author weight to around 1000lbs.  heh heh.  Awesome

Holy Review: Brutal Legend

Time to stretch out the old review legs.  Ow ow.. Brain cramping.  Uhhh.... one two, it sucks.  Three four, maybe I'd play it again.  Ok, lets dig around here.  Oh yeahhh, I had this gamefly'd.  Brutal Legend.  alright.  Lets do this.

Stupid special characters in the name

You know, I liked this game.  I heard a lot around the net about it being an RTS(Penny Arcade).  But from all the screens and videos, it looks like an action hack and slash.  So some investigation was needed.  And the results.  Were actually quite nice.

Lokelani has joined the party

What is this!?  We're expanding!  I think i might have gained about. 20lbs over the holidays.  Oh wait, you mean more people expanding?  Why YESSSS.  We are!  Welcome Lokelani(Maloran).  One of mien old guildies that plays shittons of games and watches way to much anime.  I saids to him "Ey loke!  come write your crazy shit for me!" and he says, ok .  Sweet.  another sucker.

ZOMG Armory Updated!

What is this?!  WHAT IS THIS?!  Looks like the armory got an update.  Wooohhh, it's got some cool thingies.  Lets see.  Gonna put our RSS on the side here.  Wooh 3D profile.  Lets try this one out.



Hooo man.  That's pretty slick.  I look soo bad ass.  Lets see herr.  What else what else.  Wooh i can change poses, and animations on the model.  Hey look, i'm playing with myself. ...  Wait...   Not like that.  Anyway, pretty kewl!

You're watching Nub TV, the nubbiest tv around!

I'm workin on it damnut!

Well, i guess some people already know.  I'm gonna just broadcast my world of warcraft antics on my xfire account.  So those that want to check out what kind of shennanigans I'm up to, tune in to the Holynub stream on xfire.  You can count on seeing all of the Satellite guild raids I attend/participate/goof.  I'll also be broadcasting all the shennanigans on dragonblight.  Just check the twitter feed, and i'll post when the channel is live.  Yes... Yes I am making you look at teh twitter....

Watch Holynub raid!

Happy new years blah blah blah, lets get dis started.  Well. I have installed many a new stupid thing for the public entertainment.  I present.  RAIDING WITH HOLY!  AAhhhahahhahahahahahhahahaa.  Ha..  Watch how awesomely i die and pull aggroes and do other stupid things.  join me will you?

http://www.xfire.com/live_video/holynub